Best Christmas Gift Ever

This year has been the best Christmas gift I have ever received.  I thank my God for where I am and the many great things that have happened this year.

A Quick Review -

Being able to finally love me for who I am.

Reconnecting with Challenge Day where I was able to meet new friends, reconnect with old ones, and tap into the high school kid that was all but lost.

Facing fears head on. One being full honesty with church leaders. Another going back to RISE to do some good work and then move on with my head high and leaving confident in who I am and on my terms.

The most present gift that I am receiving is the company that I now call home. I really am in the best place I could ever ask for. I have never felt so good about anything work related before.

The greatest thing that I am enjoying this Season though is my relationship with God. I feel like following his path has brought be joy beyond belief and has taken me to places I alone could never have gone.

One little gift I am giving my self is opening myself up to all those who are in my life. I have for a long time broken my facebook up into groups, hiding much of who I am. Now my life is an open book. If you found this blog just now, look around and get to know the real me.

Love you all tons! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

"I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone"

So for whatever reason, I think I found happiness in me. Weird, I know, right?

I have been watching these "It gets better" thoughts, and I cannot help but think that I am proof that it does get better. Be warned however that for me better does not mean easier. Life can still be challenging, but right now I am filled with hope and life. Things are better and I see them getting even more so.

What is the secret? Well let me get all missionary like and biblical.

James 1:5 (King James Version)

 ⁵If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

So just like Joseph Smith and so many others did we need to ask God when we lack wisdom.

I did this when I was trying to find God and he gave me the church. When church teachings and my happiness were not aligning, I lacked wisdom and pleaded with my Father in Heaven for guidance, love, and help.

Well, how do I know if I am following my desires or God's. Turning back to the bible we read this:

Galatians 5:22-23 (King James Version)

 ²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
 ²³Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

So, breaking it down, the fruit is the best part of the tree, right? Maybe even the reason to grow a fruit tree? So when we are asking for the spirit to testify truth, does it not make sense to seek out the fruits when identifying where the answer is coming from. Of course.

So looking at my life trying to deny being gay, thinking I could change, pretending God did not have his hand in creating me and my feelings, it lead to self hatred, doubt, sadness, dispair, and a great desire to give up. I wanted for so long to end my life. Are these the fruits of the spirit?

So, in pleading for God to give me answers, the peace came with the quiet whisperings that God loved and accepted me for who I am, His Gay Son, whom he loves for who he is. With those words almost etched into my soul came the joy, the peace, the faith, the goodness, the meekness, the love, and so much more. It allowed me to stand as the son of God I was made to be.

But what about the church now?

The story that keeps coming to mind is a group of people in Africa. They found some church materials and read the Book of Mormon, gained a testimony, then asked the church to send missionaries to help them to organize the church there and help them enter into church membership. Black members of the church were still not permitted to hold the priesthood at his time, so their many requests were denied. God did not love these African Children any less, but they were blessed for their faithfulness and love for God. We do not know how or why God works, but we do know to follow his revelation for us.

My secret for my friends is simple. When you find yourself in doubt, turn to your God who made you, ask for his guidance, and follow the path you can find peace with.

It does get better.

Coming Out to My Mom - Done and Done

So...Tons of anxiety today. I had made the choice that I was going to tell her I am gay and it was to happen today. So I got in way late last night. Slept in until 8:30 and then it was time to work. She needed me to go hook up some speakers for her friend, then we went grocery shopping for dinner, then she asked me to help her pick out a new computer and the needed equipment to set up a wireless network in the home. All of this time, I just wanted to get home to tell her.

I unloaded all of the stuff from our adventure, started opening up the computer stuff to set up, and I said to my mom (me kneeling on the floor unpacking the box, her sitting in a chair across the room), "there is something I have to tell you"

My mom says, "okay..."

Me: "I'm gay"

Mom: "No you're not"

Me: "Yeah, I am"

Mom: "No, you're kidding" (which I do kid around a lot, so I can see how she might think this is a cruel joke)

Me: "Really, I am"

Mom: "Okay then"

Some points that came up after a long pause

My dad who died 18 months ago, who was not the most open person, I guess knew I was gay and this was always something him and my mom disagreed upon. She said that she always that he was wrong, but I guess he always knew. I feel a little less guilty about not telling him before he died.

I told my mom how I joked with friends that she would rather me be gay then Mormon. She agreed. She talked about her relief knowing she would not have to be a grandma that might not have a place to grandchildren raised in a LDS home.

She talked about being in shock.

We talked about my Lesbian Cousin and how that she thought I looked down on her for being gay. I told her I was close to her because she was gay.

My one fear came true. She was hurt I waited so long to tell her.

It feels good to have it done. Even though 95% of the people in my life knew before today, I really feel like today was my true coming out day. I am so grateful for all the love and support from all my friends during this. Now my life can truly begin. Celebrate!

Coming out to my mom - The preparation

So I called my mom today to prep her for the pending news. I asked for some Mom/Son time so that I could be more real with her and more open, hoping for a closer relationship.

I had an experience on Thursday that made me realize that I started feeling like I had to start lying to my mom at about 13 (middle school). I lied about my grades and report cards, who my friends were, then about the church when I started taking discussions. Pretty much everything about me I kept hidden. It hit me Thursday this correlated almost exactly with the time I started figuring out that I am gay. If she saw who I really was, then she would know I'm gay.

I didn't tell her this part of course, but I am hoping that telling her will bring us closer together.

The struggle talking to her today on the phone was her all to familiar distance. She said we could talk, but the whole concept seemed awkward. I really think part of this may be my fault in being so distant, but what if after I open up and pour my gay soul out to her and then she still seems to not want me in her life...Then what?

Well for now, I will keep trying to be prepared. My goal is to tell her the Thursday I get home, then have 4 full days to work it out.

Love and thanks to everyone who reads my blog and supports me. It makes all of this possible, to be the true me <3

Coming out to Mom - The Countdown Begins

20 Days from now I will have been home in San Diego for a week and will be about to depart to my other home in Salt Lake. Within those 20 days, I hope to have come out to my mom. This will be a big step because then I will be out to pretty much everyone in my life except my clients and staff at work. And let's be honest, they don't need to know.



Any Advice for talking to my mom? Email first? Phone Call? Letter? Sit Down Face to Face? Don't do it all ;)?

Background too for those who may not know me as well...I am an LDS Convert, she is not LDS. My biggest fears are that she will be upset I have waited so long, or wonder if being gay is phase like she felt the church was, or that she will be disappointed. Part of me wonders if she knows, because I hear mom's always know, but I am not so sure.

Wish me luck!

I'm just a kid

Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about. 
Will: Why thank you. 
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston. 
Will: Nope. 
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius 

Sunday after thoughts

So, I wrote my blog just after I got home from meeting with the Bishop so everything felt very raw. I was a little in shock because it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Some conclusions I have come to since Sunday.

1. I am very grateful for the church in one major way. It was the tool that helped me find God and build a relationship with him. I hope to find new tools that will allow me to continue to keep that relationship alive and well.

2. I am glad that things went down like they did. I feel ready to walk away. I did it with my head held up, being fully honest in who I am, testifying of the love God has for me, His gay son, who He loves, especially because he is gay.

3. I really don't want my friends to look down on the LDS (Mormon) church. It does a lot of good for a lot of people and it works for many. It does cause some pain for some people, but almost anything that can do so much good, also has the potential to cause pain. It seems to be a natural law of power. If you see someone that is Mormon in some pain, they just need some love, but don't we all.

4. No regrets. I know that I am following the path the God supports me on. If a gay mormon was to ask me if he should follow my path, I would say he would need to follow his own path and commune with God to seek answers how that would look for him.

My Last Bishop's Appointment - Mormon No More

So, July 8th, 2000 was the date I joined the church. 10 years and 23 days later I exited the church.

I have been contemplating my membership in the church for the last 6 months or so and have gone back and forth on the subject. I finally got up the courage to email my bishop. It took him about a month to respond, but he finally did. It was full of love and was very caring. So I decide to meet with this bishop and see if I can make the church work in my life.

We sit down and he let's me lead the discussion. I explain that I still have a lot of love for God and that the church has given me a lot. I explain also that I had it manifest to me by the same God that told me to join the church, that it is okay for me to be gay. I explained my willingness to live a good life and figure out how to make the church a part of my life. I also said that one of my goals in life would continue to be, to find a man to love and spend my life with.

He shared his testimony that God would not allow such a person in the Celestial Kingdom. He also told me that I would find much happiness in other kingdoms, but he was still saddened that I would not be in the highest degree of glory with him.

He in so many words told me his answers to prayer were true and that if I were to follow mine, I would either go down the road of church discipline which I had previously told him I was not willing to, or that I could have my records removed from the church.

I choose the latter.

Now I am religionless. I guess this can be a future quest. For the time being though, I will just enjoy the fact that I was honest, open, and faced my fears.

PERFECTION

I had an amazing weekend with lots and lots of self discoveries. In this moment I am possibly happier than I have ever been before. I hope for the future and am confident in myself. I keep reflecting on my new friends and my time in California. What made it so great? What made me long to move there? What do I need in my life to continue the joy I am experiencing right now? What it is it around me that makes things a little more challenging?

This allowed to me start thinking on "Perfection"

In the Mormon church we are commanded to be perfect. If we are not perfect we face not only the wrath of God but in many instances we face the wrath of those who stand ready to cast stones in our communities in our congregations. I am not suggesting that this is every member of the church or even the majority, but I do know these ready to judge are plentiful around us. So I can acknowledge the fact that these people are out there. I can even love them for exactly who they are. But what does this mean to me, to us, and the world?

Some questions I had to face this weekend.

What if I have carried over some of these judgments and also the expectation of perfection being and acting as nearly the same person in following a specific religious culture and rules to the exact. Then maybe no matter how much I think I am okay with being gay, what if part of me still thinks there is something wrong with being gay.

I don't blame this on the church, but I do give credit to the world in which I was raised. If I did anything that was slightly out of the "BE A MAN" box, I was called a faggot or homo. This was by friends and family, the people I trusted to teach me the way.

So now what. I think the biggest realization I had with all of this perfection stuff is the idea that when we are commanded to be perfect, we also have to know we were created in the image of God. So it hit me. We are perfect in who we are and for who we are. We can make choices which effect us, but when we look at each other, we are literally full of perfection.

I am a gay man. There is no changing that. The great thing about me being gay is that is one of the things that makes me perfect just like the youth with Autism I work with; their Autism makes them perfect.

What a great gift it is to know that I am perfect, in God's image, in my own amazing way. The even greater gift is to open my eyes to all the glorious perfect people around me, who in God's image, were created perfect in their own way.

Life is freaking amazing!

Another Challenge Day Post

Well I get to go to a 3 day Challenge Day workshop and I am so happy! It is a dream come true in many ways. I also get to see Wicked while I am there. Things are so wonderful!

Here is some info on a show that will be on MTV with Challenge Day if you are interested.

Dear Challenge Day Friends and Supporters,

For the past year, Challenge Day has been working in team with Arnold Shapiro Productions, MTV, and twelve schools across the United States to bring a transformative new series to television called “If You Really Knew Me.” The show premieres on MTV on Tuesday July 20th at 11:00 p.m.

“If You Really Knew Me” is a 12 episode series that allows viewers to follow students and their experiences before, during and after Challenge Day. Each episode takes place at a different high school, and follows five students from different cliques as they go through the life-changing experience of Challenge Day. Watch the amazing transformation each week as the students courageously open up for the first time. By dropping their waterlines and revealing who they really are, the students break down the walls between cliques, and work to change their view of school and each other.

Our Challenge to you: We invite you to gather your Be the Change Team, your Circle of Change, your family, and/or your friends and watch MTV’s “If You Really Knew Me,” on Tuesday, July 20th at 11:00 p.m. (Check your local listings). After the show, practice the tool of “If you really knew me” by having people share their experience of the show and how it applies to their lives (learn how to do this activity at http://www.challengeday.org/downloads/If_You_Really_Knew_Me.pdf). There will also be a discussion guide posted at http://www.challengeday.org/mtv after each episode of “If You Really Knew Me.” For these activities and more information about the show, please visit our website and MTV’s website at http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml.

We hold the vision that the show will catalyze all of us to Be The Change we wish to see in the world. We believe the series will demonstrate that the miracles of connection and compassion are available to everyone.

We celebrate and thank you for your continued loved and support!

Please forward this email to any one you believe might be interested or could benefit from this series.

In Gratitude,

Jaime

Jaime R. Polson

Office - Main Number (925) 957-0234

Take a minute or 15.

So one of my passions is Challenge Day. It is a program that takes 100 high school kids from all different backgrounds and puts them into the gym for a day together. They play games and then do activities that get them talking.  I have attended many of these events and at the end of everyone, people literally reach their arms around each other in full love and support. Not ever a dry eye in the room. Check out this video.

http://vimeo.com/2109730

ChallengeDay.org

I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

Sometimes I feel as though I am so different from those around me, almost as if I am from another planet. In someways I feel so alive and others I feel so cold and detached. I guess this is part of my feeling of being in exile.

I just recently started watching Dexter, a fictional show about a serial killer who just kills bad guys. So, strange as this sounds, I feel oddly connected to this character. He just tries to live his life, being the guy who he is, while making sure he doesn't do any major damage.

Sometimes I feel as though I can only be fully me, if I am alone in my world. My world is full of trying to make things work around me and fixing things. I realized today that sometimes I almost pretend to dislike helping people so I can stop hearing the lectures of taking care of myself and you cannot save the world. Is it wrong of me, a 26 year old, to still believe I can make a difference. When I say this and act upon it, people look at me like I just told them I visited Santa at the North Pole.

Another thing people seem to look at me crazy for is my reluctance to trust and attach to people. The sad but true part of my life is that there is not a single person I know that I can't live without.  Before you all burn me at the stake for this, know that I was raised by people who loved me, but that never wanted me. In most ways I was self raised and from my earliest memory felt more of a parent than I ever did a child. Every family that I have ever let get close to me and that I have trusted eventually lost touch with me, and growing up, my friends were few and much more interested in my video games than me any day. This is not to complain. I was always happy growing up and love the life I have, it is just to demonstrate my foundation of what relationships looked like for me as I was a developing young lad.

So here I am. I really like where I am with my life. How do I function among this population of ordinary humans who want me to fit in where I struggle to belong? I think that I choose not to fit in. I don't help people so others can tell me how great I am, that part actually makes me ill to get attention. I reach out and try to fix things because that to me is the right thing to do. In regards to relationships, I refuse to spout off a monologue of how we will be friends forever or how my life would not be the same with out someone. I hope to find my Prince Charming someday, but am not holding my breath for someone else to come and be my happiness. I will choose to fight for happiness to fill my life everyday and as I do it, share it with all the wonderful people in my life. As I do this, I believe my friendships and interactions with those around me will be more full and lasting that relying on some false promise of future that may never come.

Fighting for happiness. Hoping for love. Enjoying today.

Introvert or Extravert?

I have battled with this idea for a long time. Whenever I have taken personality tests I lean towards extravert. When thinking about the simple definition for gaining energy from being around others (extravert) or from being alone (introvert) I think I can officially decide which I am.

INTROVERT

Whenever I get down and drained it seems I have been missing my alone time. I love being around people which is most likely why I always thought I was an extravert, but no matter how much I enjoy it, it sucks the life out of me if I do not have balance. Right now I am thinking about my plans for the night and I think  what I need is a night alone. Then recharged I can go back to being with the people I love.

When, in the course of human events...

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Today, I stand in gratitude to live in the country and in the time that I do. Really, I could not be more lucky to live a more free life. The amount of independence that an individual receives in this country is directly correlated to the tolerance and understanding that people have for one and other. African Americans were allowed to be slaves in this "Free" Country until the views and beliefs of the majority changed.

Many gay sons and daughters of God have been tortured, denied rights, even been killed because of the joint feelings of a majority. So I guess what I am most grateful for is that the majority is changing quickly. Being gay doesn't have the same negative connotation it did when I was a kid 20 years ago. Rights that are being disputed now would never have been put on the table then. Things have changed so much that Google, a company that effects almost everyone, is now giving all their gay and lesbian employees a raise to compensate for the lack of tax breaks they are entitled to.

I wish everyone a happy Independence Day and hope you continue a great pursuit of happiness.

You've Got a Friend in Me

Sometimes I doubt my friends. I search for weakness and then use it as proof not to trust them. Sometimes it is nice to be wrong.

Almost a year ago I came out to a lot of friends. One of them, who I have been friends for almost 12 years with, was not okay with me being gay. We had a words and never talked about it again.

Today the topic came up and it felt like I was talking again to my old best friend. It was enjoyable to have that comfort that she wanted to know more about me, find out who I am, and what was going on with me, even if I am gay.

I guess honesty is the best policy. If people are your friends, they will see you through, even in the tough times.

Not What It Seems

There was a time where I believed I was able to read people pretty quick and accurately. I am now understanding that I actually suck at reading people. Here is an example that I have been thinking of for the last week.

A mission "friend"- So my second area, I meet a kids who is very passionate about everything. I was also passionate about a few things which made the potential for conflict high. I remember being on exchanges with this individual and having an argument during a discussion on caffeine. I looked at this missionary as a good guy, but never someone I thought would try to stay in touch with me. Eight years later, I get the magic email saying he has requested to be my friend on Facebook. I didn't know why he added me, but thought it was a nice gesture and gladly accepted. I posted my new blog on my FB account which I found out he read by an email he sent me.

"I think its very brave to come out the way you did. I personally think that as time goes on there will be more progresives in the church and it will become more and more accepted and people will just relize that love is love. Im sure you will get hate from mormons who look at it as so evil but people are starting to come around and we need good people in the church gay or straight who love Christ and love the goodness that the church teaches."

 I was so surprised to find this guy so loving and understanding. Someone I never thought I would hear from again turned out to be one of the most supporting people from the mission.

I could write about many other stories as of late where I am so far off the mark. Bad hires, best friends who left me when finding out I am gay, maybe someday, I will be spot on with figuring out who people are. For now, I will just take people for who they are day by day.

"I Woke Up in a Car"

How did I get here? Where is here?

Here is a fun filled place that feels like an ending to a long tiring journey forming a circle that takes me back to the same place I was at 10 years ago. The difference now is that I am choosing to be here rather than falling into this place. I have seen many things along the way. I found God and trust in him to help me  on my way. I have seen for myself the pros and cons of religion. I have lived from Coast to Coast of our country. I have worked in many industries. I have had friends from the Mother Teresa type to raging drug addicts. I have been on incredible highs to devastating lows. I grew to love my dad in time to watch him die. I went from being a leader of many to a follower of truth and right. 

In this moment, I realize that it is possible that my life could be as good as it will ever be right now so I am choosing to embrace every joy around me. I am preparing for the fact the I may never find Mr Right or maybe a Mister to call mine to love at all and that's okay. While I prepare for the worst, I will hope for the best with all of my heart. This week I decided I will try to find someone to date which I have taken a little break from.  I may not win the super model of the year award, but one thing I do know is that I care so much about people, I make those around me laugh and smile whenever I can, and I know that I can bring happiness into the life of someone else. So why not try? 

I think about where I am with friends right now. I really do have great friends that offer me a lot. They are the closest thing I have to family. The thing is, they are not family. I don't have a relationship with any member of my family and thus the reason I want to create my own. I won't ever have siblings, or nieces or nephews to hold and love while they comfort me at the same time. All my grandparents died before I could really know them. My mom loves me, but sadly we can not talk about much more than the weather often times. I do love her, but I want more, and no matter how great and wonderful my friends are, they are still friends. So when I talk about my time in exile, I hope this time ends in the arms of someone I can love fully and melt together with. Someone I can have kids with and create a family together with. Like I said, I may not get it, but understand my life will still be missing something big while I wait for that to happen.

"I've never been so lost, I've never felt so much at home"

About me and my blog.

Well, you may know me already, but if not here goes nothing.

I have been on a break from blogging for a couple months after ending my last blog (found here).  In short it was my journey in finding myself and choosing a path as a gay Mormon. This is now a blog for me to share my craziness with the world who may be bored enough to read it. The focus will be more on being a gay man hunting down happiness in all aspects of life rather than on my struggle with being LDS and Gay. I am past that worry and really want to move on to the rest of my life.

About me. I am currently 26, work with people with disabilities in live in the Great State of Utah. Much of my adult life I have worked anywhere from 70 - 90 hours a week and just recently started a 40 hour a week job which has been very empowering. I have started doing the things I love again. I now can cook, go hiking, camping, travel, see movies, and spend time with friends.

One of my greatest passions is the work of Challenge Day. They do workshops for kids all around the country with the goal of helping kids to feel safe and loved. I can witness that their program works and has a lifelong impact on my life. One of the big things I am trying to do is become more involved in their work.

I also love people with Autism and their families. I work with the Autism Council of Utah and other organizations to support these individuals and families. Working with this cause has brought balance and stability into my life and I feel honored to be welcomed into such a loving group.

So what's with my blog title? Well, it is a song from Third Eye Blind.  Sometimes I wonder if the paths I have chosen will lead me to a life which is full of people but lacks true connection that love and family can offer.  These thoughts have weighed the most heavy on me as of late so I thought it would be a good title because many days I do feel like I am serving my time in exile.

Thanks for reading and comments are always welcomed and appreciated.