I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

Sometimes I feel as though I am so different from those around me, almost as if I am from another planet. In someways I feel so alive and others I feel so cold and detached. I guess this is part of my feeling of being in exile.

I just recently started watching Dexter, a fictional show about a serial killer who just kills bad guys. So, strange as this sounds, I feel oddly connected to this character. He just tries to live his life, being the guy who he is, while making sure he doesn't do any major damage.

Sometimes I feel as though I can only be fully me, if I am alone in my world. My world is full of trying to make things work around me and fixing things. I realized today that sometimes I almost pretend to dislike helping people so I can stop hearing the lectures of taking care of myself and you cannot save the world. Is it wrong of me, a 26 year old, to still believe I can make a difference. When I say this and act upon it, people look at me like I just told them I visited Santa at the North Pole.

Another thing people seem to look at me crazy for is my reluctance to trust and attach to people. The sad but true part of my life is that there is not a single person I know that I can't live without.  Before you all burn me at the stake for this, know that I was raised by people who loved me, but that never wanted me. In most ways I was self raised and from my earliest memory felt more of a parent than I ever did a child. Every family that I have ever let get close to me and that I have trusted eventually lost touch with me, and growing up, my friends were few and much more interested in my video games than me any day. This is not to complain. I was always happy growing up and love the life I have, it is just to demonstrate my foundation of what relationships looked like for me as I was a developing young lad.

So here I am. I really like where I am with my life. How do I function among this population of ordinary humans who want me to fit in where I struggle to belong? I think that I choose not to fit in. I don't help people so others can tell me how great I am, that part actually makes me ill to get attention. I reach out and try to fix things because that to me is the right thing to do. In regards to relationships, I refuse to spout off a monologue of how we will be friends forever or how my life would not be the same with out someone. I hope to find my Prince Charming someday, but am not holding my breath for someone else to come and be my happiness. I will choose to fight for happiness to fill my life everyday and as I do it, share it with all the wonderful people in my life. As I do this, I believe my friendships and interactions with those around me will be more full and lasting that relying on some false promise of future that may never come.

Fighting for happiness. Hoping for love. Enjoying today.