Friday, August 13, 2010

I'm just a kid

Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about. 
Will: Why thank you. 
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston. 
Will: Nope. 
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius 

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Sunday after thoughts

So, I wrote my blog just after I got home from meeting with the Bishop so everything felt very raw. I was a little in shock because it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Some conclusions I have come to since Sunday.

1. I am very grateful for the church in one major way. It was the tool that helped me find God and build a relationship with him. I hope to find new tools that will allow me to continue to keep that relationship alive and well.

2. I am glad that things went down like they did. I feel ready to walk away. I did it with my head held up, being fully honest in who I am, testifying of the love God has for me, His gay son, who He loves, especially because he is gay.

3. I really don't want my friends to look down on the LDS (Mormon) church. It does a lot of good for a lot of people and it works for many. It does cause some pain for some people, but almost anything that can do so much good, also has the potential to cause pain. It seems to be a natural law of power. If you see someone that is Mormon in some pain, they just need some love, but don't we all.

4. No regrets. I know that I am following the path the God supports me on. If a gay mormon was to ask me if he should follow my path, I would say he would need to follow his own path and commune with God to seek answers how that would look for him.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

My Last Bishop's Appointment - Mormon No More

So, July 8th, 2000 was the date I joined the church. 10 years and 23 days later I exited the church.

I have been contemplating my membership in the church for the last 6 months or so and have gone back and forth on the subject. I finally got up the courage to email my bishop. It took him about a month to respond, but he finally did. It was full of love and was very caring. So I decide to meet with this bishop and see if I can make the church work in my life.

We sit down and he let's me lead the discussion. I explain that I still have a lot of love for God and that the church has given me a lot. I explain also that I had it manifest to me by the same God that told me to join the church, that it is okay for me to be gay. I explained my willingness to live a good life and figure out how to make the church a part of my life. I also said that one of my goals in life would continue to be, to find a man to love and spend my life with.

He shared his testimony that God would not allow such a person in the Celestial Kingdom. He also told me that I would find much happiness in other kingdoms, but he was still saddened that I would not be in the highest degree of glory with him.

He in so many words told me his answers to prayer were true and that if I were to follow mine, I would either go down the road of church discipline which I had previously told him I was not willing to, or that I could have my records removed from the church.

I choose the latter.

Now I am religionless. I guess this can be a future quest. For the time being though, I will just enjoy the fact that I was honest, open, and faced my fears.