Sunday, November 6, 2011

A Big Fish in a Small Tank

If anyone has spent much time taking care of fish, you most likely know that fish can only grow so big in a tank that is too small for them. If you put them in a bigger tank sometimes they will double in size almost instantly.

Utah has been home for me for the last 9 years. Most of my friends are here and it is where I feel safe and comfortable. It was a tank large enough for me to grow into the person that I am today. I am so grateful for everything and everyone here, but I feel like I need a new tank to grow in. I feel like I live in a place that is black and white. You are either on one side of the fence or the other. I love the LDS Church and the influence it has had in my life, but in Utah, the church is so prevalent in so many things that it is hard for me to move for forward and grow outside of that. For me, I the world is more than black and white. I believe the world is a rainbow of colors, one blending into the next and together making one of the most beautiful images that nature has to offer.

I remember one of my teachers in high school, Marcia Kern. She is Jewish and so softly, and so kindly, helped me to experience who she was and helped me to see diversity. She supported me in everything I did, including being baptized into the LDS church, but because of her, I was able to see more of the world without feeling like I had to change who I was. But even though I didn't have to change, I did indeed become a different person. I was more open, more loving, and more open to the love of others who I might have otherwise kept at a distance because of my lack of understanding. I have had similar experiences in Texas with preachers, Northern California with very liberal individuals, Baltimore being the only white kid in an all African American apartment complex. I want to be around people who open my heart and push me to love bigger and better and I feel like that can't happen here.

I have learned in my life that if I don't give myself permission to live big, it doesn't happen. So my dream is to get into a bigger tank. To travel the world. I want to grow into the type of person who changes the world and be the child God created me to be.

So what does this mean today. One of my goals is to do the trainings I love in more places. Hopefully by this time next year I will be doing something along those line, but not looking to move anytime soon. Just want to expand my tank.