I feel like since my last blog post I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. And then after that I think I even exited the tunnel and enjoyed being in the sunlight. Somedays outside of the tunnel of darkness, I have cloudy days that don't seem as bright, and I am sure that on my journey through life I will encounter other lightless tunnels that seem forever dark. Sometimes I think the answer to surviving in light or dark is honesty with self. I can pretend like the dark tunnel is bright and cheery all day, but that won't change anything. Understanding my situation for what it is will allow me to face it head on and walk through it.
Sometimes I like to play this game called if you really knew me....
If you really knew me, you would know...
Recently I attempted to return to the Mormon Church. It was filled with highs and lows, but in this moment, it is not the right place for me. It did remind me that miracles abound on this earth and sometimes it is as simple as asking.
You would also know that I have recently had almost constant fear of being along. I fear this so greatly in my life that I spend too much time looking for evidence of it happening, than enjoying the moments I am not alone.
You would know...I recently have started reconnecting with old friends and it has been incredible. I have been blessed with truly some of God's most amazing and beautiful people in my life. It is hard for me to feel much malice for those who despise me, because even the magnitude of the least of those around me is so grand.
Knowing me means knowing that I am anywhere from a little crazy to a lot of it depending on the day. I believe that the harder you live and love, the high the highs and lows are. I think my body wanted to avoid the extremes that I feel through my adventures and shut down for a while. I believe it is now time to wake up and be.
Speaking of my body, you would know that I am nurturing it and loving it in a way that I have not before. I went and had a full physical, dental exam, root canal, teeth whitening, diet (no soda for the last month and down about 10 pounds), and am trying craniosacral therapy.
I don't love this about me, but I am constantly seeking praise from others. This is less about being better than others and more about not being worse than others. I still struggle with so much self hatred and someday need to learn to love myself.
Tonight I fall asleep feeling like life is back on track. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I welcome it and hope to live present, in the moment, aware, and true to who I am.
:)
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