I thought it was time to start writing again...So much on my mind...
If you have read my blog before, you should know I ramble. Sometimes it can be humorous, sometimes inspirational, and sometimes just blah and possibly depressing. Tonight I fear it might come across as depressing so I invite you to stop reading now if you are feeling peppy and maybe cruise my blog for some past post that shows my more shiny side.
If you do keep reading, I welcome you into my world, and hope this gives you a chance to really know me.
Spirituality - Lately I have felt a little or maybe a lot disconnected from my universe. It seems to me that much of my passion and excitement has fled from my being and I feel like I am often times an empty shell waiting to be filled with anything. I feel like my relationship with God is far to far away and that for the first time in my life I might be content living a mediocre life of simple existence. Describing this forces me to reflect on so many versions of me and how they each saw the world so differently.
13 year old Chris who spent his summer working with 5 year olds that would all shout in unison, "Chris is here" with big smiles on their faces. That 13 year old boy knew he made a difference and was bound to make the world a better place for anyone who felt alone, or scared, or maybe just someone who needed a little help learning to tie their shoe.
16 year old Chris who fasted and prayed and felt God's direct love shining down from heaven. This young man forged a life for himself. He served everyone he could. He worked around the clock to accomplish his goals. He loved deep and shared it the best he could. He started new programs to help kids in need. He created mini assemblies with his friends and shared them with his peers with out fear. He knew we was changing the world, but knew that he could make an even larger impact.
23 year old Chris who gathered a group of phenomenal people to start a treatment program for teens using methods of love and joy rather than fear and discipline. He saw God's power to heal and to bring happiness and he wanted to share it with everyone he met. Even when this program crashed and burned, he picked himself up, and went to to continue to serve in other ways.
I am sad to look in the mirror at 28 year old Chris who is afraid and disconnected. How did he become so broken?
Relationships - I find that I have hidden most of my friend's posts on Facebook so that I do not see their status updates. I do this because I miss them so much that my heart is too heavy to be reminded of their absence in my life.
With the 400+ people on my Facebook account, I marvel at how amazing almost every single one of these people are, yet in my darkest moment, I am afraid to call out to any one for help. It is so lonely in my world. I think that if I was actively improving the world in even small ways, I would suffer the lack of connections in my life for the greater good, but where I feel so stagnant, I sit puzzled wondering why I cannot have grass on either side of the fence even if it might seem greener on the other side.
My heart always seems to be at war with others. My mind will make up stories to ensure no one gets to close. I simply want to be someone that people can just enjoy being around. Instead, I unwillingly choose to take safer roles such as therapist or teacher, sometimes I try to even be savior in their life all complicating that which should be simple and leaving me alone with my blog at night.
Dreams - When I get really brave, I allow myself to dream of what I would like to do with my life. It is brave because although I am a pretty great dreamer, I am an even greater dream crusher.
I dream of creating a program for teenaged family members of people with disabilities and mental illness. I would lead them in having fun, coming together, and creating a personal vision for their life rather than feeling condemned to a life of care taking. My mind then comes in to overpower my heart and says that I am not fun, I don't have energy, and people would not join with me in this type of celebration. I am convinced that I would fail as quickly as I would begin. Of course with this mindset, I have already failed.
I also dream of dancing and dating and having a family, but self image issues abound and I again fail before I begin.
Right now, I just dream of being a dreamer who is fearless.
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world".
Harriet Tubman
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