I feel like since my last blog post I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. And then after that I think I even exited the tunnel and enjoyed being in the sunlight. Somedays outside of the tunnel of darkness, I have cloudy days that don't seem as bright, and I am sure that on my journey through life I will encounter other lightless tunnels that seem forever dark. Sometimes I think the answer to surviving in light or dark is honesty with self. I can pretend like the dark tunnel is bright and cheery all day, but that won't change anything. Understanding my situation for what it is will allow me to face it head on and walk through it.
Sometimes I like to play this game called if you really knew me....
If you really knew me, you would know...
Recently I attempted to return to the Mormon Church. It was filled with highs and lows, but in this moment, it is not the right place for me. It did remind me that miracles abound on this earth and sometimes it is as simple as asking.
You would also know that I have recently had almost constant fear of being along. I fear this so greatly in my life that I spend too much time looking for evidence of it happening, than enjoying the moments I am not alone.
You would know...I recently have started reconnecting with old friends and it has been incredible. I have been blessed with truly some of God's most amazing and beautiful people in my life. It is hard for me to feel much malice for those who despise me, because even the magnitude of the least of those around me is so grand.
Knowing me means knowing that I am anywhere from a little crazy to a lot of it depending on the day. I believe that the harder you live and love, the high the highs and lows are. I think my body wanted to avoid the extremes that I feel through my adventures and shut down for a while. I believe it is now time to wake up and be.
Speaking of my body, you would know that I am nurturing it and loving it in a way that I have not before. I went and had a full physical, dental exam, root canal, teeth whitening, diet (no soda for the last month and down about 10 pounds), and am trying craniosacral therapy.
I don't love this about me, but I am constantly seeking praise from others. This is less about being better than others and more about not being worse than others. I still struggle with so much self hatred and someday need to learn to love myself.
Tonight I fall asleep feeling like life is back on track. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I welcome it and hope to live present, in the moment, aware, and true to who I am.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Walking on Egg Shells
So...I love when people care about me enough to be honest with me.
I get that I have depression. I get that sometimes I even get my feelings hurt...for a little while. I also get that I debate issues more than I should. Because of these basic truths, I think people are often afraid of how I might respond if they do share. This leads to relationships that have participants walking around on egg shells.
In my mind many things can and sometimes do happen.
Best case scenario is that I take that information as a gift, thank the giver of the gift for their truth and honesty, and move on a better person taking the information that was of value through my life.
Worst case scenario is that I am offended and hurt. These feelings are temporary and go away. There has never been a person who wanted to be friends with me that I have turned away (that I know of?).
It could also go down where someone gives me feedback and I hear and decide that it is not accurate and I will not apply it my life. That doesn't mean that I will never take criticism from that person, just simply in that moment, I choose to feel like I know me and my behavior better in that moment than someone who is not me. I may be wrong. I may have missed a chance for growth, or I might just be right. At the end of the day, feedback is simply a gift and like Christmas time, some gifts may be really groovy like a heartfelt card or a nintendo wii, or they also might be a homemade sweater from Aunt Erda that is 2 sizes to small and not really my style.
I think about little things that people have shared with me that have helped me. One friend questioned my often foggy glasses. I don't notice the foggy as part of my vision disorder, but I wash my glasses far more often now (maybe not enough, but more). This was great feedback, but I wonder how many people have wondered the same thing, maybe even judged me for it, but were not willing to say a word.
Another example would be a boss who encouraged me to be less gossipy (I am guilty of "venting" my frustrations too often and to too many people) and more direct with those who I work around. Every time I say anything slightly negative about someone I work with, I now ask myself, "do they know I feel this way", "What can I do to make this better" rather than finding other to take my cause or join me in a battle of hearts at war.
I ask myself and you, the reader, "What stops you from being honest with the ones you love"?
I ask the people in my life who love me or call me friend to love me enough to be honest with me. I am my own person and will make my own choices, but will move through this process more effectively with your help.
I get that I have depression. I get that sometimes I even get my feelings hurt...for a little while. I also get that I debate issues more than I should. Because of these basic truths, I think people are often afraid of how I might respond if they do share. This leads to relationships that have participants walking around on egg shells.
In my mind many things can and sometimes do happen.
Best case scenario is that I take that information as a gift, thank the giver of the gift for their truth and honesty, and move on a better person taking the information that was of value through my life.
Worst case scenario is that I am offended and hurt. These feelings are temporary and go away. There has never been a person who wanted to be friends with me that I have turned away (that I know of?).
It could also go down where someone gives me feedback and I hear and decide that it is not accurate and I will not apply it my life. That doesn't mean that I will never take criticism from that person, just simply in that moment, I choose to feel like I know me and my behavior better in that moment than someone who is not me. I may be wrong. I may have missed a chance for growth, or I might just be right. At the end of the day, feedback is simply a gift and like Christmas time, some gifts may be really groovy like a heartfelt card or a nintendo wii, or they also might be a homemade sweater from Aunt Erda that is 2 sizes to small and not really my style.
I think about little things that people have shared with me that have helped me. One friend questioned my often foggy glasses. I don't notice the foggy as part of my vision disorder, but I wash my glasses far more often now (maybe not enough, but more). This was great feedback, but I wonder how many people have wondered the same thing, maybe even judged me for it, but were not willing to say a word.
Another example would be a boss who encouraged me to be less gossipy (I am guilty of "venting" my frustrations too often and to too many people) and more direct with those who I work around. Every time I say anything slightly negative about someone I work with, I now ask myself, "do they know I feel this way", "What can I do to make this better" rather than finding other to take my cause or join me in a battle of hearts at war.
I ask myself and you, the reader, "What stops you from being honest with the ones you love"?
I ask the people in my life who love me or call me friend to love me enough to be honest with me. I am my own person and will make my own choices, but will move through this process more effectively with your help.
Monday, July 2, 2012
It's been almost a year...
I thought it was time to start writing again...So much on my mind...
If you have read my blog before, you should know I ramble. Sometimes it can be humorous, sometimes inspirational, and sometimes just blah and possibly depressing. Tonight I fear it might come across as depressing so I invite you to stop reading now if you are feeling peppy and maybe cruise my blog for some past post that shows my more shiny side.
If you do keep reading, I welcome you into my world, and hope this gives you a chance to really know me.
Spirituality - Lately I have felt a little or maybe a lot disconnected from my universe. It seems to me that much of my passion and excitement has fled from my being and I feel like I am often times an empty shell waiting to be filled with anything. I feel like my relationship with God is far to far away and that for the first time in my life I might be content living a mediocre life of simple existence. Describing this forces me to reflect on so many versions of me and how they each saw the world so differently.
13 year old Chris who spent his summer working with 5 year olds that would all shout in unison, "Chris is here" with big smiles on their faces. That 13 year old boy knew he made a difference and was bound to make the world a better place for anyone who felt alone, or scared, or maybe just someone who needed a little help learning to tie their shoe.
16 year old Chris who fasted and prayed and felt God's direct love shining down from heaven. This young man forged a life for himself. He served everyone he could. He worked around the clock to accomplish his goals. He loved deep and shared it the best he could. He started new programs to help kids in need. He created mini assemblies with his friends and shared them with his peers with out fear. He knew we was changing the world, but knew that he could make an even larger impact.
23 year old Chris who gathered a group of phenomenal people to start a treatment program for teens using methods of love and joy rather than fear and discipline. He saw God's power to heal and to bring happiness and he wanted to share it with everyone he met. Even when this program crashed and burned, he picked himself up, and went to to continue to serve in other ways.
I am sad to look in the mirror at 28 year old Chris who is afraid and disconnected. How did he become so broken?
Relationships - I find that I have hidden most of my friend's posts on Facebook so that I do not see their status updates. I do this because I miss them so much that my heart is too heavy to be reminded of their absence in my life.
With the 400+ people on my Facebook account, I marvel at how amazing almost every single one of these people are, yet in my darkest moment, I am afraid to call out to any one for help. It is so lonely in my world. I think that if I was actively improving the world in even small ways, I would suffer the lack of connections in my life for the greater good, but where I feel so stagnant, I sit puzzled wondering why I cannot have grass on either side of the fence even if it might seem greener on the other side.
My heart always seems to be at war with others. My mind will make up stories to ensure no one gets to close. I simply want to be someone that people can just enjoy being around. Instead, I unwillingly choose to take safer roles such as therapist or teacher, sometimes I try to even be savior in their life all complicating that which should be simple and leaving me alone with my blog at night.
Dreams - When I get really brave, I allow myself to dream of what I would like to do with my life. It is brave because although I am a pretty great dreamer, I am an even greater dream crusher.
I dream of creating a program for teenaged family members of people with disabilities and mental illness. I would lead them in having fun, coming together, and creating a personal vision for their life rather than feeling condemned to a life of care taking. My mind then comes in to overpower my heart and says that I am not fun, I don't have energy, and people would not join with me in this type of celebration. I am convinced that I would fail as quickly as I would begin. Of course with this mindset, I have already failed.
I also dream of dancing and dating and having a family, but self image issues abound and I again fail before I begin.
Right now, I just dream of being a dreamer who is fearless.
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world".
Harriet Tubman
If you have read my blog before, you should know I ramble. Sometimes it can be humorous, sometimes inspirational, and sometimes just blah and possibly depressing. Tonight I fear it might come across as depressing so I invite you to stop reading now if you are feeling peppy and maybe cruise my blog for some past post that shows my more shiny side.
If you do keep reading, I welcome you into my world, and hope this gives you a chance to really know me.
Spirituality - Lately I have felt a little or maybe a lot disconnected from my universe. It seems to me that much of my passion and excitement has fled from my being and I feel like I am often times an empty shell waiting to be filled with anything. I feel like my relationship with God is far to far away and that for the first time in my life I might be content living a mediocre life of simple existence. Describing this forces me to reflect on so many versions of me and how they each saw the world so differently.
13 year old Chris who spent his summer working with 5 year olds that would all shout in unison, "Chris is here" with big smiles on their faces. That 13 year old boy knew he made a difference and was bound to make the world a better place for anyone who felt alone, or scared, or maybe just someone who needed a little help learning to tie their shoe.
16 year old Chris who fasted and prayed and felt God's direct love shining down from heaven. This young man forged a life for himself. He served everyone he could. He worked around the clock to accomplish his goals. He loved deep and shared it the best he could. He started new programs to help kids in need. He created mini assemblies with his friends and shared them with his peers with out fear. He knew we was changing the world, but knew that he could make an even larger impact.
23 year old Chris who gathered a group of phenomenal people to start a treatment program for teens using methods of love and joy rather than fear and discipline. He saw God's power to heal and to bring happiness and he wanted to share it with everyone he met. Even when this program crashed and burned, he picked himself up, and went to to continue to serve in other ways.
I am sad to look in the mirror at 28 year old Chris who is afraid and disconnected. How did he become so broken?
Relationships - I find that I have hidden most of my friend's posts on Facebook so that I do not see their status updates. I do this because I miss them so much that my heart is too heavy to be reminded of their absence in my life.
With the 400+ people on my Facebook account, I marvel at how amazing almost every single one of these people are, yet in my darkest moment, I am afraid to call out to any one for help. It is so lonely in my world. I think that if I was actively improving the world in even small ways, I would suffer the lack of connections in my life for the greater good, but where I feel so stagnant, I sit puzzled wondering why I cannot have grass on either side of the fence even if it might seem greener on the other side.
My heart always seems to be at war with others. My mind will make up stories to ensure no one gets to close. I simply want to be someone that people can just enjoy being around. Instead, I unwillingly choose to take safer roles such as therapist or teacher, sometimes I try to even be savior in their life all complicating that which should be simple and leaving me alone with my blog at night.
Dreams - When I get really brave, I allow myself to dream of what I would like to do with my life. It is brave because although I am a pretty great dreamer, I am an even greater dream crusher.
I dream of creating a program for teenaged family members of people with disabilities and mental illness. I would lead them in having fun, coming together, and creating a personal vision for their life rather than feeling condemned to a life of care taking. My mind then comes in to overpower my heart and says that I am not fun, I don't have energy, and people would not join with me in this type of celebration. I am convinced that I would fail as quickly as I would begin. Of course with this mindset, I have already failed.
I also dream of dancing and dating and having a family, but self image issues abound and I again fail before I begin.
Right now, I just dream of being a dreamer who is fearless.
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world".
Harriet Tubman
Sunday, November 6, 2011
A Big Fish in a Small Tank
If anyone has spent much time taking care of fish, you most likely know that fish can only grow so big in a tank that is too small for them. If you put them in a bigger tank sometimes they will double in size almost instantly.
Utah has been home for me for the last 9 years. Most of my friends are here and it is where I feel safe and comfortable. It was a tank large enough for me to grow into the person that I am today. I am so grateful for everything and everyone here, but I feel like I need a new tank to grow in. I feel like I live in a place that is black and white. You are either on one side of the fence or the other. I love the LDS Church and the influence it has had in my life, but in Utah, the church is so prevalent in so many things that it is hard for me to move for forward and grow outside of that. For me, I the world is more than black and white. I believe the world is a rainbow of colors, one blending into the next and together making one of the most beautiful images that nature has to offer.
I remember one of my teachers in high school, Marcia Kern. She is Jewish and so softly, and so kindly, helped me to experience who she was and helped me to see diversity. She supported me in everything I did, including being baptized into the LDS church, but because of her, I was able to see more of the world without feeling like I had to change who I was. But even though I didn't have to change, I did indeed become a different person. I was more open, more loving, and more open to the love of others who I might have otherwise kept at a distance because of my lack of understanding. I have had similar experiences in Texas with preachers, Northern California with very liberal individuals, Baltimore being the only white kid in an all African American apartment complex. I want to be around people who open my heart and push me to love bigger and better and I feel like that can't happen here.
I have learned in my life that if I don't give myself permission to live big, it doesn't happen. So my dream is to get into a bigger tank. To travel the world. I want to grow into the type of person who changes the world and be the child God created me to be.
So what does this mean today. One of my goals is to do the trainings I love in more places. Hopefully by this time next year I will be doing something along those line, but not looking to move anytime soon. Just want to expand my tank.
I remember one of my teachers in high school, Marcia Kern. She is Jewish and so softly, and so kindly, helped me to experience who she was and helped me to see diversity. She supported me in everything I did, including being baptized into the LDS church, but because of her, I was able to see more of the world without feeling like I had to change who I was. But even though I didn't have to change, I did indeed become a different person. I was more open, more loving, and more open to the love of others who I might have otherwise kept at a distance because of my lack of understanding. I have had similar experiences in Texas with preachers, Northern California with very liberal individuals, Baltimore being the only white kid in an all African American apartment complex. I want to be around people who open my heart and push me to love bigger and better and I feel like that can't happen here.
I have learned in my life that if I don't give myself permission to live big, it doesn't happen. So my dream is to get into a bigger tank. To travel the world. I want to grow into the type of person who changes the world and be the child God created me to be.
So what does this mean today. One of my goals is to do the trainings I love in more places. Hopefully by this time next year I will be doing something along those line, but not looking to move anytime soon. Just want to expand my tank.
Monday, July 25, 2011
*Disclaimer*
Hey friends, I just want to make sure no one reads my blog and thinks I am against the LDS/Mormon church. It is in fact very much the other way around. I am grateful for my time in the church. There are countless Mormons who love me and who I love back. They have shaped me and built me up. Their faith was the tool God used to bring me unto Him. Please know my comments are just my raw thoughts and not meant to sway people one way or another.
Oh, the type of Mormon I struggle with...
So, one of my very best friends from the mission texted me last night. We stopped talking a couple years ago right around the time I came out and he was getting married. I thought it was because I came out, he thought it was because he was getting married. Anyway, it has been a very long time since I have heard anything from him...
So our conversation from last night, again the first of anything I have heard in a year or two. And I quote from the the very first message, and yes he goes directly to the following.
Him: Are you still gay?
Me: Yep
Me: How's life for you?
Him: Great. I tried calling you a while ago, but you ignored me.
Me: Really?
Him: Yup. So what are you up to?
Me: Just working, living the life, you?
Him: Having a baby next month. So are you still active?
Me: Congrats on the baby, that's awesome. I'm no longer a member.
Him: Why?
Me: It was either that or get ex'ed.
Him: Well I am really really sorry to hear that.
Me: I feel that I am on the path I am meant to follow so do not feel too sorry =)
Him: Don't talk like that. You know the truth deep down inside. Satan is very very strong, but can have no power over us if we have true faith in Jesus Christ.
Me: Well, I follow my heart and continue to pray for guidance. Only God and I know the path for me, so I hope you can trust that just as I trust the path you have chosen.
Him: The path to follow is the prophet. Come on man, you know better. I'm sure that you truly feel that way and that's fine, but that's part of how the world works. We have to listen to God's prophets and obey no matter how hard it is. It's weird I just started texting you? Do you look at that as God telling you something? I know my prayers are always answered by other people.
Me: Dude, the same way God confirmed that there are prophets on the earth is the same way God directs me today. If the feelings and answers I have received are false, than the church must be also. Only I can receive personal revelation for me. Prophets give general commandments. God gives specific. I appreciate you concern, but what I need is love.
Him: Dude, you knew the church was true. How can you do this? I heard your testimony, so you were either lying then or lying now.
Me: Nephi must have lied when he killed Laban, because the prophets said no killing. If you cannot grasp personal revelation, you are missing a great piece of God's plan, but let's not argue. If you want to be my friend for who I am, awesome. If not, that is your choice and I will hold on to the good times we had.
Him: No you didn't want to be my friend after I invited you to my wedding so don't start that. I just feel way way bad for you! You know it's true, you just cannot let go of your worldly temptations. I am feel very very very sorry for you! I hope you repent and come back !
Me: I have always wanted to be your friend. I am super sorry you felt otherwise. I will always love you like a brother.
Him: Well, I really hope you come back! I'll pray for you!
Me: Well, we can all use prayers, so thanks man!
Arghhhhh!
How do we follow the Savior? By loving those around us.
So our conversation from last night, again the first of anything I have heard in a year or two. And I quote from the the very first message, and yes he goes directly to the following.
Him: Are you still gay?
Me: Yep
Me: How's life for you?
Him: Great. I tried calling you a while ago, but you ignored me.
Me: Really?
Him: Yup. So what are you up to?
Me: Just working, living the life, you?
Him: Having a baby next month. So are you still active?
Me: Congrats on the baby, that's awesome. I'm no longer a member.
Him: Why?
Me: It was either that or get ex'ed.
Him: Well I am really really sorry to hear that.
Me: I feel that I am on the path I am meant to follow so do not feel too sorry =)
Him: Don't talk like that. You know the truth deep down inside. Satan is very very strong, but can have no power over us if we have true faith in Jesus Christ.
Me: Well, I follow my heart and continue to pray for guidance. Only God and I know the path for me, so I hope you can trust that just as I trust the path you have chosen.
Him: The path to follow is the prophet. Come on man, you know better. I'm sure that you truly feel that way and that's fine, but that's part of how the world works. We have to listen to God's prophets and obey no matter how hard it is. It's weird I just started texting you? Do you look at that as God telling you something? I know my prayers are always answered by other people.
Me: Dude, the same way God confirmed that there are prophets on the earth is the same way God directs me today. If the feelings and answers I have received are false, than the church must be also. Only I can receive personal revelation for me. Prophets give general commandments. God gives specific. I appreciate you concern, but what I need is love.
Him: Dude, you knew the church was true. How can you do this? I heard your testimony, so you were either lying then or lying now.
Me: Nephi must have lied when he killed Laban, because the prophets said no killing. If you cannot grasp personal revelation, you are missing a great piece of God's plan, but let's not argue. If you want to be my friend for who I am, awesome. If not, that is your choice and I will hold on to the good times we had.
Him: No you didn't want to be my friend after I invited you to my wedding so don't start that. I just feel way way bad for you! You know it's true, you just cannot let go of your worldly temptations. I am feel very very very sorry for you! I hope you repent and come back !
Me: I have always wanted to be your friend. I am super sorry you felt otherwise. I will always love you like a brother.
Him: Well, I really hope you come back! I'll pray for you!
Me: Well, we can all use prayers, so thanks man!
Arghhhhh!
How do we follow the Savior? By loving those around us.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Chris Larson went from being "single" to "in a relationship".
The post that everyone someday desires to have show up in their news feed for the world to know. Well the day has come for me.
Out of respect for the dude I am in a relationship with, I will keep some details purposely vague.
In many ways, I feel like my relationship IQ is low and starting at that of about a 13 year old around the time I came out. I feel like in the last couple of years, I have matured to a 16 year old. I am now comfortable cuddling and kissing and dating someone doesn't instantly mean marriage.
I am not sure how long this new relationship will last. I am not sure I care right now because we are having fun, enjoy each other, and seem to be a really good fit.
I guess the funny part from tonight was when we were trying to figure out if we were dating. It is still hard to believe someone would want to date me, so I might have over clarified. We had the DTR talk the 3 times just to make sure we were on the same page. And we are. If things come crashing down next week, don't judge me too much if I am back to "single" because no matter what happens, this is to learn, to grow, and to love :)
Out of respect for the dude I am in a relationship with, I will keep some details purposely vague.
In many ways, I feel like my relationship IQ is low and starting at that of about a 13 year old around the time I came out. I feel like in the last couple of years, I have matured to a 16 year old. I am now comfortable cuddling and kissing and dating someone doesn't instantly mean marriage.
I am not sure how long this new relationship will last. I am not sure I care right now because we are having fun, enjoy each other, and seem to be a really good fit.
I guess the funny part from tonight was when we were trying to figure out if we were dating. It is still hard to believe someone would want to date me, so I might have over clarified. We had the DTR talk the 3 times just to make sure we were on the same page. And we are. If things come crashing down next week, don't judge me too much if I am back to "single" because no matter what happens, this is to learn, to grow, and to love :)
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