I feel like since my last blog post I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. And then after that I think I even exited the tunnel and enjoyed being in the sunlight. Somedays outside of the tunnel of darkness, I have cloudy days that don't seem as bright, and I am sure that on my journey through life I will encounter other lightless tunnels that seem forever dark. Sometimes I think the answer to surviving in light or dark is honesty with self. I can pretend like the dark tunnel is bright and cheery all day, but that won't change anything. Understanding my situation for what it is will allow me to face it head on and walk through it.
Sometimes I like to play this game called if you really knew me....
If you really knew me, you would know...
Recently I attempted to return to the Mormon Church. It was filled with highs and lows, but in this moment, it is not the right place for me. It did remind me that miracles abound on this earth and sometimes it is as simple as asking.
You would also know that I have recently had almost constant fear of being along. I fear this so greatly in my life that I spend too much time looking for evidence of it happening, than enjoying the moments I am not alone.
You would know...I recently have started reconnecting with old friends and it has been incredible. I have been blessed with truly some of God's most amazing and beautiful people in my life. It is hard for me to feel much malice for those who despise me, because even the magnitude of the least of those around me is so grand.
Knowing me means knowing that I am anywhere from a little crazy to a lot of it depending on the day. I believe that the harder you live and love, the high the highs and lows are. I think my body wanted to avoid the extremes that I feel through my adventures and shut down for a while. I believe it is now time to wake up and be.
Speaking of my body, you would know that I am nurturing it and loving it in a way that I have not before. I went and had a full physical, dental exam, root canal, teeth whitening, diet (no soda for the last month and down about 10 pounds), and am trying craniosacral therapy.
I don't love this about me, but I am constantly seeking praise from others. This is less about being better than others and more about not being worse than others. I still struggle with so much self hatred and someday need to learn to love myself.
Tonight I fall asleep feeling like life is back on track. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I welcome it and hope to live present, in the moment, aware, and true to who I am.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Walking on Egg Shells
So...I love when people care about me enough to be honest with me.
I get that I have depression. I get that sometimes I even get my feelings hurt...for a little while. I also get that I debate issues more than I should. Because of these basic truths, I think people are often afraid of how I might respond if they do share. This leads to relationships that have participants walking around on egg shells.
In my mind many things can and sometimes do happen.
Best case scenario is that I take that information as a gift, thank the giver of the gift for their truth and honesty, and move on a better person taking the information that was of value through my life.
Worst case scenario is that I am offended and hurt. These feelings are temporary and go away. There has never been a person who wanted to be friends with me that I have turned away (that I know of?).
It could also go down where someone gives me feedback and I hear and decide that it is not accurate and I will not apply it my life. That doesn't mean that I will never take criticism from that person, just simply in that moment, I choose to feel like I know me and my behavior better in that moment than someone who is not me. I may be wrong. I may have missed a chance for growth, or I might just be right. At the end of the day, feedback is simply a gift and like Christmas time, some gifts may be really groovy like a heartfelt card or a nintendo wii, or they also might be a homemade sweater from Aunt Erda that is 2 sizes to small and not really my style.
I think about little things that people have shared with me that have helped me. One friend questioned my often foggy glasses. I don't notice the foggy as part of my vision disorder, but I wash my glasses far more often now (maybe not enough, but more). This was great feedback, but I wonder how many people have wondered the same thing, maybe even judged me for it, but were not willing to say a word.
Another example would be a boss who encouraged me to be less gossipy (I am guilty of "venting" my frustrations too often and to too many people) and more direct with those who I work around. Every time I say anything slightly negative about someone I work with, I now ask myself, "do they know I feel this way", "What can I do to make this better" rather than finding other to take my cause or join me in a battle of hearts at war.
I ask myself and you, the reader, "What stops you from being honest with the ones you love"?
I ask the people in my life who love me or call me friend to love me enough to be honest with me. I am my own person and will make my own choices, but will move through this process more effectively with your help.
I get that I have depression. I get that sometimes I even get my feelings hurt...for a little while. I also get that I debate issues more than I should. Because of these basic truths, I think people are often afraid of how I might respond if they do share. This leads to relationships that have participants walking around on egg shells.
In my mind many things can and sometimes do happen.
Best case scenario is that I take that information as a gift, thank the giver of the gift for their truth and honesty, and move on a better person taking the information that was of value through my life.
Worst case scenario is that I am offended and hurt. These feelings are temporary and go away. There has never been a person who wanted to be friends with me that I have turned away (that I know of?).
It could also go down where someone gives me feedback and I hear and decide that it is not accurate and I will not apply it my life. That doesn't mean that I will never take criticism from that person, just simply in that moment, I choose to feel like I know me and my behavior better in that moment than someone who is not me. I may be wrong. I may have missed a chance for growth, or I might just be right. At the end of the day, feedback is simply a gift and like Christmas time, some gifts may be really groovy like a heartfelt card or a nintendo wii, or they also might be a homemade sweater from Aunt Erda that is 2 sizes to small and not really my style.
I think about little things that people have shared with me that have helped me. One friend questioned my often foggy glasses. I don't notice the foggy as part of my vision disorder, but I wash my glasses far more often now (maybe not enough, but more). This was great feedback, but I wonder how many people have wondered the same thing, maybe even judged me for it, but were not willing to say a word.
Another example would be a boss who encouraged me to be less gossipy (I am guilty of "venting" my frustrations too often and to too many people) and more direct with those who I work around. Every time I say anything slightly negative about someone I work with, I now ask myself, "do they know I feel this way", "What can I do to make this better" rather than finding other to take my cause or join me in a battle of hearts at war.
I ask myself and you, the reader, "What stops you from being honest with the ones you love"?
I ask the people in my life who love me or call me friend to love me enough to be honest with me. I am my own person and will make my own choices, but will move through this process more effectively with your help.
Monday, July 2, 2012
It's been almost a year...
I thought it was time to start writing again...So much on my mind...
If you have read my blog before, you should know I ramble. Sometimes it can be humorous, sometimes inspirational, and sometimes just blah and possibly depressing. Tonight I fear it might come across as depressing so I invite you to stop reading now if you are feeling peppy and maybe cruise my blog for some past post that shows my more shiny side.
If you do keep reading, I welcome you into my world, and hope this gives you a chance to really know me.
Spirituality - Lately I have felt a little or maybe a lot disconnected from my universe. It seems to me that much of my passion and excitement has fled from my being and I feel like I am often times an empty shell waiting to be filled with anything. I feel like my relationship with God is far to far away and that for the first time in my life I might be content living a mediocre life of simple existence. Describing this forces me to reflect on so many versions of me and how they each saw the world so differently.
13 year old Chris who spent his summer working with 5 year olds that would all shout in unison, "Chris is here" with big smiles on their faces. That 13 year old boy knew he made a difference and was bound to make the world a better place for anyone who felt alone, or scared, or maybe just someone who needed a little help learning to tie their shoe.
16 year old Chris who fasted and prayed and felt God's direct love shining down from heaven. This young man forged a life for himself. He served everyone he could. He worked around the clock to accomplish his goals. He loved deep and shared it the best he could. He started new programs to help kids in need. He created mini assemblies with his friends and shared them with his peers with out fear. He knew we was changing the world, but knew that he could make an even larger impact.
23 year old Chris who gathered a group of phenomenal people to start a treatment program for teens using methods of love and joy rather than fear and discipline. He saw God's power to heal and to bring happiness and he wanted to share it with everyone he met. Even when this program crashed and burned, he picked himself up, and went to to continue to serve in other ways.
I am sad to look in the mirror at 28 year old Chris who is afraid and disconnected. How did he become so broken?
Relationships - I find that I have hidden most of my friend's posts on Facebook so that I do not see their status updates. I do this because I miss them so much that my heart is too heavy to be reminded of their absence in my life.
With the 400+ people on my Facebook account, I marvel at how amazing almost every single one of these people are, yet in my darkest moment, I am afraid to call out to any one for help. It is so lonely in my world. I think that if I was actively improving the world in even small ways, I would suffer the lack of connections in my life for the greater good, but where I feel so stagnant, I sit puzzled wondering why I cannot have grass on either side of the fence even if it might seem greener on the other side.
My heart always seems to be at war with others. My mind will make up stories to ensure no one gets to close. I simply want to be someone that people can just enjoy being around. Instead, I unwillingly choose to take safer roles such as therapist or teacher, sometimes I try to even be savior in their life all complicating that which should be simple and leaving me alone with my blog at night.
Dreams - When I get really brave, I allow myself to dream of what I would like to do with my life. It is brave because although I am a pretty great dreamer, I am an even greater dream crusher.
I dream of creating a program for teenaged family members of people with disabilities and mental illness. I would lead them in having fun, coming together, and creating a personal vision for their life rather than feeling condemned to a life of care taking. My mind then comes in to overpower my heart and says that I am not fun, I don't have energy, and people would not join with me in this type of celebration. I am convinced that I would fail as quickly as I would begin. Of course with this mindset, I have already failed.
I also dream of dancing and dating and having a family, but self image issues abound and I again fail before I begin.
Right now, I just dream of being a dreamer who is fearless.
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world".
Harriet Tubman
If you have read my blog before, you should know I ramble. Sometimes it can be humorous, sometimes inspirational, and sometimes just blah and possibly depressing. Tonight I fear it might come across as depressing so I invite you to stop reading now if you are feeling peppy and maybe cruise my blog for some past post that shows my more shiny side.
If you do keep reading, I welcome you into my world, and hope this gives you a chance to really know me.
Spirituality - Lately I have felt a little or maybe a lot disconnected from my universe. It seems to me that much of my passion and excitement has fled from my being and I feel like I am often times an empty shell waiting to be filled with anything. I feel like my relationship with God is far to far away and that for the first time in my life I might be content living a mediocre life of simple existence. Describing this forces me to reflect on so many versions of me and how they each saw the world so differently.
13 year old Chris who spent his summer working with 5 year olds that would all shout in unison, "Chris is here" with big smiles on their faces. That 13 year old boy knew he made a difference and was bound to make the world a better place for anyone who felt alone, or scared, or maybe just someone who needed a little help learning to tie their shoe.
16 year old Chris who fasted and prayed and felt God's direct love shining down from heaven. This young man forged a life for himself. He served everyone he could. He worked around the clock to accomplish his goals. He loved deep and shared it the best he could. He started new programs to help kids in need. He created mini assemblies with his friends and shared them with his peers with out fear. He knew we was changing the world, but knew that he could make an even larger impact.
23 year old Chris who gathered a group of phenomenal people to start a treatment program for teens using methods of love and joy rather than fear and discipline. He saw God's power to heal and to bring happiness and he wanted to share it with everyone he met. Even when this program crashed and burned, he picked himself up, and went to to continue to serve in other ways.
I am sad to look in the mirror at 28 year old Chris who is afraid and disconnected. How did he become so broken?
Relationships - I find that I have hidden most of my friend's posts on Facebook so that I do not see their status updates. I do this because I miss them so much that my heart is too heavy to be reminded of their absence in my life.
With the 400+ people on my Facebook account, I marvel at how amazing almost every single one of these people are, yet in my darkest moment, I am afraid to call out to any one for help. It is so lonely in my world. I think that if I was actively improving the world in even small ways, I would suffer the lack of connections in my life for the greater good, but where I feel so stagnant, I sit puzzled wondering why I cannot have grass on either side of the fence even if it might seem greener on the other side.
My heart always seems to be at war with others. My mind will make up stories to ensure no one gets to close. I simply want to be someone that people can just enjoy being around. Instead, I unwillingly choose to take safer roles such as therapist or teacher, sometimes I try to even be savior in their life all complicating that which should be simple and leaving me alone with my blog at night.
Dreams - When I get really brave, I allow myself to dream of what I would like to do with my life. It is brave because although I am a pretty great dreamer, I am an even greater dream crusher.
I dream of creating a program for teenaged family members of people with disabilities and mental illness. I would lead them in having fun, coming together, and creating a personal vision for their life rather than feeling condemned to a life of care taking. My mind then comes in to overpower my heart and says that I am not fun, I don't have energy, and people would not join with me in this type of celebration. I am convinced that I would fail as quickly as I would begin. Of course with this mindset, I have already failed.
I also dream of dancing and dating and having a family, but self image issues abound and I again fail before I begin.
Right now, I just dream of being a dreamer who is fearless.
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world".
Harriet Tubman
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