Not What It Seems

There was a time where I believed I was able to read people pretty quick and accurately. I am now understanding that I actually suck at reading people. Here is an example that I have been thinking of for the last week.

A mission "friend"- So my second area, I meet a kids who is very passionate about everything. I was also passionate about a few things which made the potential for conflict high. I remember being on exchanges with this individual and having an argument during a discussion on caffeine. I looked at this missionary as a good guy, but never someone I thought would try to stay in touch with me. Eight years later, I get the magic email saying he has requested to be my friend on Facebook. I didn't know why he added me, but thought it was a nice gesture and gladly accepted. I posted my new blog on my FB account which I found out he read by an email he sent me.

"I think its very brave to come out the way you did. I personally think that as time goes on there will be more progresives in the church and it will become more and more accepted and people will just relize that love is love. Im sure you will get hate from mormons who look at it as so evil but people are starting to come around and we need good people in the church gay or straight who love Christ and love the goodness that the church teaches."

 I was so surprised to find this guy so loving and understanding. Someone I never thought I would hear from again turned out to be one of the most supporting people from the mission.

I could write about many other stories as of late where I am so far off the mark. Bad hires, best friends who left me when finding out I am gay, maybe someday, I will be spot on with figuring out who people are. For now, I will just take people for who they are day by day.

"I Woke Up in a Car"

How did I get here? Where is here?

Here is a fun filled place that feels like an ending to a long tiring journey forming a circle that takes me back to the same place I was at 10 years ago. The difference now is that I am choosing to be here rather than falling into this place. I have seen many things along the way. I found God and trust in him to help me  on my way. I have seen for myself the pros and cons of religion. I have lived from Coast to Coast of our country. I have worked in many industries. I have had friends from the Mother Teresa type to raging drug addicts. I have been on incredible highs to devastating lows. I grew to love my dad in time to watch him die. I went from being a leader of many to a follower of truth and right. 

In this moment, I realize that it is possible that my life could be as good as it will ever be right now so I am choosing to embrace every joy around me. I am preparing for the fact the I may never find Mr Right or maybe a Mister to call mine to love at all and that's okay. While I prepare for the worst, I will hope for the best with all of my heart. This week I decided I will try to find someone to date which I have taken a little break from.  I may not win the super model of the year award, but one thing I do know is that I care so much about people, I make those around me laugh and smile whenever I can, and I know that I can bring happiness into the life of someone else. So why not try? 

I think about where I am with friends right now. I really do have great friends that offer me a lot. They are the closest thing I have to family. The thing is, they are not family. I don't have a relationship with any member of my family and thus the reason I want to create my own. I won't ever have siblings, or nieces or nephews to hold and love while they comfort me at the same time. All my grandparents died before I could really know them. My mom loves me, but sadly we can not talk about much more than the weather often times. I do love her, but I want more, and no matter how great and wonderful my friends are, they are still friends. So when I talk about my time in exile, I hope this time ends in the arms of someone I can love fully and melt together with. Someone I can have kids with and create a family together with. Like I said, I may not get it, but understand my life will still be missing something big while I wait for that to happen.

"I've never been so lost, I've never felt so much at home"

About me and my blog.

Well, you may know me already, but if not here goes nothing.

I have been on a break from blogging for a couple months after ending my last blog (found here).  In short it was my journey in finding myself and choosing a path as a gay Mormon. This is now a blog for me to share my craziness with the world who may be bored enough to read it. The focus will be more on being a gay man hunting down happiness in all aspects of life rather than on my struggle with being LDS and Gay. I am past that worry and really want to move on to the rest of my life.

About me. I am currently 26, work with people with disabilities in live in the Great State of Utah. Much of my adult life I have worked anywhere from 70 - 90 hours a week and just recently started a 40 hour a week job which has been very empowering. I have started doing the things I love again. I now can cook, go hiking, camping, travel, see movies, and spend time with friends.

One of my greatest passions is the work of Challenge Day. They do workshops for kids all around the country with the goal of helping kids to feel safe and loved. I can witness that their program works and has a lifelong impact on my life. One of the big things I am trying to do is become more involved in their work.

I also love people with Autism and their families. I work with the Autism Council of Utah and other organizations to support these individuals and families. Working with this cause has brought balance and stability into my life and I feel honored to be welcomed into such a loving group.

So what's with my blog title? Well, it is a song from Third Eye Blind.  Sometimes I wonder if the paths I have chosen will lead me to a life which is full of people but lacks true connection that love and family can offer.  These thoughts have weighed the most heavy on me as of late so I thought it would be a good title because many days I do feel like I am serving my time in exile.

Thanks for reading and comments are always welcomed and appreciated.