A Big Fish in a Small Tank

If anyone has spent much time taking care of fish, you most likely know that fish can only grow so big in a tank that is too small for them. If you put them in a bigger tank sometimes they will double in size almost instantly.

Utah has been home for me for the last 9 years. Most of my friends are here and it is where I feel safe and comfortable. It was a tank large enough for me to grow into the person that I am today. I am so grateful for everything and everyone here, but I feel like I need a new tank to grow in. I feel like I live in a place that is black and white. You are either on one side of the fence or the other. I love the LDS Church and the influence it has had in my life, but in Utah, the church is so prevalent in so many things that it is hard for me to move for forward and grow outside of that. For me, I the world is more than black and white. I believe the world is a rainbow of colors, one blending into the next and together making one of the most beautiful images that nature has to offer.

I remember one of my teachers in high school, Marcia Kern. She is Jewish and so softly, and so kindly, helped me to experience who she was and helped me to see diversity. She supported me in everything I did, including being baptized into the LDS church, but because of her, I was able to see more of the world without feeling like I had to change who I was. But even though I didn't have to change, I did indeed become a different person. I was more open, more loving, and more open to the love of others who I might have otherwise kept at a distance because of my lack of understanding. I have had similar experiences in Texas with preachers, Northern California with very liberal individuals, Baltimore being the only white kid in an all African American apartment complex. I want to be around people who open my heart and push me to love bigger and better and I feel like that can't happen here.

I have learned in my life that if I don't give myself permission to live big, it doesn't happen. So my dream is to get into a bigger tank. To travel the world. I want to grow into the type of person who changes the world and be the child God created me to be.

So what does this mean today. One of my goals is to do the trainings I love in more places. Hopefully by this time next year I will be doing something along those line, but not looking to move anytime soon. Just want to expand my tank.

*Disclaimer*

Hey friends, I just want to make sure no one reads my blog and thinks I am against the LDS/Mormon church. It is in fact very much the other way around. I am grateful for my time in the church. There are countless Mormons who love me and who I love back. They have shaped me and built me up. Their faith was the tool God used to bring me unto Him. Please know my comments are just my raw thoughts and not meant to sway people one way or another.

Oh, the type of Mormon I struggle with...

So, one of my very best friends from the mission texted me last night. We stopped talking a couple years ago right around the time I came out and he was getting married. I thought it was because I came out, he thought it was because he was getting married. Anyway, it has been a very long time since I have heard anything from him...

So our conversation from last night, again the first of anything I have heard in a year or two. And I quote from the the very first message, and yes he goes directly to the following.

Him: Are you still gay?
Me: Yep
Me: How's life for you?
Him: Great. I tried calling you a while ago, but you ignored me.
Me: Really?
Him: Yup. So what are you up to?
Me: Just working, living the life, you?
Him: Having a baby next month. So are you still active?
Me: Congrats on the baby, that's awesome. I'm no longer a member.
Him: Why?
Me: It was either that or get ex'ed.
Him: Well I am really really sorry to hear that.
Me: I feel that I am on the path I am meant to follow so do not feel too sorry =)
Him: Don't talk like that. You know the truth deep down inside. Satan is very very strong, but can have no power over us if we have true faith in Jesus Christ.
Me: Well, I follow my heart and continue to pray for guidance. Only God and I know the path for me, so I hope you can trust that just as I trust the path you have chosen.
Him: The path to follow is the prophet. Come on man, you know better. I'm sure that you truly feel that way and that's fine, but that's part of how the world works. We have to listen to God's prophets and obey no matter how hard it is. It's weird I just started texting you? Do you look at that as God telling you something? I know my prayers are always answered by other people.
Me: Dude, the same way God confirmed that there are prophets on the earth is the same way God directs me today. If the feelings and answers I have received are false, than the church must be also. Only I can receive personal revelation for me. Prophets give general commandments. God gives specific. I appreciate you concern, but what I need is love.
Him: Dude, you knew the church was true. How can you do this? I heard your testimony, so you were either lying then or lying now.
Me: Nephi must have lied when he killed Laban, because the prophets said no killing. If you cannot grasp personal revelation, you are missing a great piece of God's plan, but let's not argue. If you want to be my friend for who I am, awesome. If not, that is your choice and I will hold on to the good times we had.
Him: No you didn't want to be my friend after I invited you to my wedding so don't start that. I just feel way way bad for you! You know it's true, you just cannot let go of your worldly temptations. I am feel very very very sorry for you! I hope you repent and come back !
Me: I have always wanted to be your friend. I am super sorry you felt otherwise. I will always love you like a brother.
Him: Well, I really hope you come back! I'll pray for you!
Me: Well, we can all use prayers, so thanks man!

Arghhhhh!


How do we follow the Savior? By loving those around us.

Chris Larson went from being "single" to "in a relationship".

The post that everyone someday desires to have show up in their news feed for the world to know. Well the day has come for me.

Out of respect for the dude I am in a relationship with, I will keep some details purposely vague.


In many ways, I feel like my relationship IQ is low and starting at that of about a 13 year old around the time I came out. I feel like in the last couple of years, I have matured to a 16 year old. I am now comfortable cuddling and kissing and dating someone doesn't instantly mean marriage.

I am not sure how long this new relationship will last. I am not sure I care right now because we are having fun, enjoy each other, and seem to be a really good fit.

I guess the funny part from tonight was when we were trying to figure out if we were dating. It is still hard to believe someone would want to date me, so I might have over clarified. We had the DTR talk the 3 times just to make sure we were on the same page. And we are. If things come crashing down next week, don't judge me too much if I am back to "single" because no matter what happens, this is to learn, to grow, and to love :)

A New Day. A New Hope.

It is weird looking back on the last few years. How far I have come. How far I have to go.

Where am I at now? I am a single gay guy. I have a great job, great friends, and a pretty great life. I have a solid relationship with God, who I look to as my father in heaven. I feel like he looks out for me and keeps me warm in a sometimes cold world and keeps me cool when I get a hot head. I am at peace now with the LDS church. I feel grateful for it being a stepping stone in my spiritual growth. I respect it for what it is and I respect the members who following its teachings. It was great for me for a time and that time has passed.

I believe that the key to happiness is moving forward. There seems to be a law of order that states that you are always in motion. You are either moving forward or backwards, but you can never stay in the same place.

Blogging seems to keep me going so I am going to try to blog about what I am doing to move me to the life of my dreams!

Being a Member of the Church by Record

So it's been a little while but I just wanted to vent a bit.

I read some varied stories of MoHo's and actually other members of the church talking about their experiences with Bishops. Some members can do almost anything and still hold a calling, some hardly think a bad thought before they are "X"ed.

My blog talks of my journey of leaving the church. For me, things happened the way they needed to for me in the long run. It is not the way I thought it would have gone down and there are many people who wonder if my bishop did the right thing. I personally feel like he did what he felt was right which is about all he could do, and for that I am thankful.

I see many members of the church without a testimony of the gospel. As a convert this confuses the heck out of me. I had to testify to an appointed minister that I knew the church was true in its entirety to be permitted to enter the waters of baptism and receive the Holy Ghost. I still hold a very strong testimony, but an increased testimony of what God wanted for me led me to leave the church because I felt like I would be living a lie and not fully be able to sustain the leaders of the church and the counsel they would have for me.

I really don't care what people do and if they want to stay a member of the church or not, but when people don't have a testimony at all, or are just hanging on to the church until something better comes along (like a same-sex partner), I do see why many Bishops feel a need to take action.

If you are one of those people who feels like your Bishop is being to harsh, take a deep breath and know your salvation is in God's hands and turn to him for counsel and love. He has the answers and knows you. Also if you are seeking acceptance as a gay son or daughter of God, the church might not be the best answer at this time. Seek out things that interest you in outside groups that can give you that acceptance so that you may focus on other spiritual things from church.