So...Tons of anxiety today. I had made the choice that I was going to tell her I am gay and it was to happen today. So I got in way late last night. Slept in until 8:30 and then it was time to work. She needed me to go hook up some speakers for her friend, then we went grocery shopping for dinner, then she asked me to help her pick out a new computer and the needed equipment to set up a wireless network in the home. All of this time, I just wanted to get home to tell her.
I unloaded all of the stuff from our adventure, started opening up the computer stuff to set up, and I said to my mom (me kneeling on the floor unpacking the box, her sitting in a chair across the room), "there is something I have to tell you"
My mom says, "okay..."
Me: "I'm gay"
Mom: "No you're not"
Me: "Yeah, I am"
Mom: "No, you're kidding" (which I do kid around a lot, so I can see how she might think this is a cruel joke)
Me: "Really, I am"
Mom: "Okay then"
Some points that came up after a long pause
My dad who died 18 months ago, who was not the most open person, I guess knew I was gay and this was always something him and my mom disagreed upon. She said that she always that he was wrong, but I guess he always knew. I feel a little less guilty about not telling him before he died.
I told my mom how I joked with friends that she would rather me be gay then Mormon. She agreed. She talked about her relief knowing she would not have to be a grandma that might not have a place to grandchildren raised in a LDS home.
She talked about being in shock.
We talked about my Lesbian Cousin and how that she thought I looked down on her for being gay. I told her I was close to her because she was gay.
My one fear came true. She was hurt I waited so long to tell her.
It feels good to have it done. Even though 95% of the people in my life knew before today, I really feel like today was my true coming out day. I am so grateful for all the love and support from all my friends during this. Now my life can truly begin. Celebrate!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Coming out to my mom - The preparation
So I called my mom today to prep her for the pending news. I asked for some Mom/Son time so that I could be more real with her and more open, hoping for a closer relationship.
I had an experience on Thursday that made me realize that I started feeling like I had to start lying to my mom at about 13 (middle school). I lied about my grades and report cards, who my friends were, then about the church when I started taking discussions. Pretty much everything about me I kept hidden. It hit me Thursday this correlated almost exactly with the time I started figuring out that I am gay. If she saw who I really was, then she would know I'm gay.
I didn't tell her this part of course, but I am hoping that telling her will bring us closer together.
The struggle talking to her today on the phone was her all to familiar distance. She said we could talk, but the whole concept seemed awkward. I really think part of this may be my fault in being so distant, but what if after I open up and pour my gay soul out to her and then she still seems to not want me in her life...Then what?
Well for now, I will keep trying to be prepared. My goal is to tell her the Thursday I get home, then have 4 full days to work it out.
Love and thanks to everyone who reads my blog and supports me. It makes all of this possible, to be the true me <3
I had an experience on Thursday that made me realize that I started feeling like I had to start lying to my mom at about 13 (middle school). I lied about my grades and report cards, who my friends were, then about the church when I started taking discussions. Pretty much everything about me I kept hidden. It hit me Thursday this correlated almost exactly with the time I started figuring out that I am gay. If she saw who I really was, then she would know I'm gay.
I didn't tell her this part of course, but I am hoping that telling her will bring us closer together.
The struggle talking to her today on the phone was her all to familiar distance. She said we could talk, but the whole concept seemed awkward. I really think part of this may be my fault in being so distant, but what if after I open up and pour my gay soul out to her and then she still seems to not want me in her life...Then what?
Well for now, I will keep trying to be prepared. My goal is to tell her the Thursday I get home, then have 4 full days to work it out.
Love and thanks to everyone who reads my blog and supports me. It makes all of this possible, to be the true me <3
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Coming out to Mom - The Countdown Begins
20 Days from now I will have been home in San Diego for a week and will be about to depart to my other home in Salt Lake. Within those 20 days, I hope to have come out to my mom. This will be a big step because then I will be out to pretty much everyone in my life except my clients and staff at work. And let's be honest, they don't need to know.
Any Advice for talking to my mom? Email first? Phone Call? Letter? Sit Down Face to Face? Don't do it all ;)?
Background too for those who may not know me as well...I am an LDS Convert, she is not LDS. My biggest fears are that she will be upset I have waited so long, or wonder if being gay is phase like she felt the church was, or that she will be disappointed. Part of me wonders if she knows, because I hear mom's always know, but I am not so sure.
Wish me luck!
Any Advice for talking to my mom? Email first? Phone Call? Letter? Sit Down Face to Face? Don't do it all ;)?
Background too for those who may not know me as well...I am an LDS Convert, she is not LDS. My biggest fears are that she will be upset I have waited so long, or wonder if being gay is phase like she felt the church was, or that she will be disappointed. Part of me wonders if she knows, because I hear mom's always know, but I am not so sure.
Wish me luck!
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