I often times think that I can't live up to people's standards for me.
In one of those moments tonight, I almost uncontrollably asked myself, "Where do these expectations come from." I instantly knew the answer. It's me. I set the expectations for myself that are so high that it is unreal for me to accomplish them. So many cliche statements come to mind. It has always been impossible for me to grasp that people could like me for me. I try so hard to perform well to give people something to like. I also feel that if I want to make a difference in the world I have to work harder, be better, love bigger, and shine brighter. I project on to others who I want to be rather than who I really am and it almost always leaves them disappointed in me. I wonder if I just allowed myself to be, to surrender, to strive to be my best without worry of what onlookers might think, people may have less to be disappointed in.
Examples:
16, I join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I start off being the most hard core Mormon you could ever ask for on the surface. Inside I was a gay boy who desperately wanted to have a family like I saw on TV. I had real honest faith in the church, but had significant struggles I felt I had to hide. If I had to chose between being friends with a perfect Mormon, or a Mormon who is fighting to understand himself and his dream, I will pick the imperfect one every time. At least that kid is real.
Work, in almost every job I have ever had, I work 70-90 hours per week on a salary being paid for 40 of those hours. Ask anyone and this is not sustainable. When I do this at the beginning of a job, I get a lot more done than the average person. I set the bar of expectations so high, that average or even above average isn't good enough. After around 6-8 months of this, I run out of steam and start performing at average, and then shortly after that, below average. On a scale where 5 is truly average, an employer can handle an employee going from a 6 to a 5, what they can't candle though is going from a 9 to a 4 in a month. A better path might be coming in trying to be the best 5 I can be in 40 hours a week. My greatest skills are in problem solving and ideas. I think that if people had an average employee with above average attributes, they would be grateful.
Friends, I try to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for to everyone. I quickly let people down when that pattern follows the rest.
I think for me, the first step to overcoming a problem is knowing it, befriending it, recognizing the value in it, and then if it were a seemingly never ending dark tunnel, make the long journey through it, being better for experiencing it, and stepping into the light with it behind me. Right now, I am just starting to look this soon to be friend in the eye. It has only been a creepy acquaintance lurking in the corner. Hopefully action will follow and I can be more free in who I am.
*Sometimes my posts seems sad and depressing. Please don't read a post if you are getting that feel ever. Do know that all in all, I am the happiest I have ever been. Even in my dark moments I find myself surrounded by great people and amazing circumstances. My mind truly is my greatest ally and enemy. It goes places so quick and so strong that feel my self losing control. In these moments, I choose to write so that all of that energy has a place to go. I choose to post these crazy thoughts on a blog for all to read to allow people to really know me, who I am, and why I act the way I do.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
My Political Thoughts...
I have been uber frustrated with so many of my friends building their political ideals on bashing the opposing party. It comes in the form of personal attacks towards candidate's personal lives, crude humor, attack on the rights of others rather that expressing protection of one's own values and beliefs. It makes me want to hide until sometime in January next year. I want people to be vocal in politics, but I want them to be loud about what is important to them (why animal life is important, rather than how bad people are that eat animals, why it is important that marriage be kept between a man and a woman, rather than why gays are bad or don't deserve rights, why is it more important to see how much a presidential candidate made per year rather than knowing what he stands for and what he would do as president).
My mantra in life is based on Gandhi's quote, "You must be the change you want to see in the world." I guess I need to do what I want others to do and express what I believe in and why...
1. I believe in small government. I want to live in a world where I can make my own choices, I can suffer natural consequences for my actions, where the taxes I pay go to helping out people in efficient ways and they also pay for my share of the public services I use. Currently, the average cost to educate a child is around $10,000 per student. In a class of 30 students, that is $300,000 a year. A teacher for that class is making about 10% of that. From a business perspective, this seem extremely inefficient and I would prefer to see government funded private schools that were given 1/2 the amount per student and allow companies to walk away with a profit while saving billions of dollars per year. This is one example of many, but the way I understand it, we can be more efficient. The more money we eliminate in government spending, the more money in our pockets. We then can choose to donate to nonprofits that we are passionate about and see the work we love move forward.
2. People working builds a better country. We worry about our current debt problem, as we should, but so many people feel the answer is found in raising taxes for the rich or middle class. I think if everyone in this country that was able, was working, we could decrease the amount we pay out in government benefits, increase tax revenue from people who would then be gainfully employed, and increase the general moral of millions who feel like they are a part of society again. I work with people with intellectual disabilities. Many of them can work, but are discriminated against because of misconceptions that come with their disability. If these guys were given more of a chance to support themselves, we would save millions of dollars more. I also feel that any welfare programs should come with a service or work requirement. If the government is giving money to people who are well deserving, which I know there are many, allow them to give back to schools, churches, or other meaningful groups so they are always motivated by work (when they are able) and so they always feel like they contribute.
How do we get more people jobs in this country? Lets support domestic businesses, small, medium, and large. Let us also support the American Dream, that we can all own a home, be 100% debt free, and have a family that we can comfortably support without associating success with shame.
3. Marriage Equality. I say this humbly and respectfully with love towards all my friends who have different views because of their faith, but it is what I passionately believe. I want the option to be able to fall in love, marry the person of my dreams, and maybe even have kids. I want to live in a world where my kids can go to school and feel normal because they also have 2 parents who love them, that are married, that just happen to be gay.
4. I believe that the power of the individual is always greater than the power of government or regulations. I often will see friends holding up their victim card about how crappy their job is, or how much their rent is. Employers can only treat us as poorly as we allow them to. Landlords can only charge as much as we are willing to pay. Every time we sacrifice something important from our life for another, we give our power to them. If we all were to stand united, we as employees, consumers, and human beings, can influence the world around us. Heck, go watch Newsies if you don't believe me.
5. Anti Abortion, Pro Choice. So, I can't say I like abortion at all. I have friends who have made this choice and it led to tons of heart ache. I am not sure of the moral side of things, but I do know I don't want life to have to stop. I know that adoption often leads to attachment disorders that screw people up and it also causes tons of pain for mothers giving up their child. I also struggle with parents raising children out of obligation when they are not ready rather than out of love. I would love to see people be a little more careful and just wait. I know that life happens and this isn't always able to happen, so that is why I am Pro Choice. Let the mother and father if he is involved make the choice that works for them and they will have to live with for better or worse. It is too hard and complicated for me to get involved with something that will never happen to me, so I will not judge, but rather love and support those with this difficult decision.
6. Right to Bear Arms. I think people should be able to have guns. I want background checks attached to them and for lots of safeguards. Bad people will always be able to find weapons. The more good people that have weapons the safer the world, in my opinion. This is a huge responsibility that should come with tons of training and safety, but so is owning a car. I think if citizens have the right to own guns, it helps prevent government from controlling people but the threat of greater force. People should peacefully control government. I know this sounds a little right wing crazy, but chat with me about it sometime, it makes sense to me. And for the record, I do not own a functioning gun and have never shot one.
7. Foreign Policy. I really don't know the answer here. I think if we get involved in another country's drama we need to make sure there is a clear need for help from people who can not defend themselves (like the jews in the holocaust), we then need to make sure these people want our help, and then when we have helped, we need to step back as quickly as we can in a way that their country can still be successful. I hope we would never occupy a country for oil or personal gain.
8. Energy Independence. I would like to see government offer huge cash rewards to companies who roll out clean energy products that are cost neutral to consumers. I think this would help jump start a market that is free from products that destroy our environment. How great would it be if there were solar electric cars that were the same price as cars that used gas. We would all hop on board.
Okay, please don't destroy me ideas here. I am sure there are some here for people to agree with and disagree with. I am very much not a republican or democrat because I agree too much with things on each side.
I would love for you to leave comments not to argue my ideas, but to share your views and how you got there. This is how I learn and grow.
My mantra in life is based on Gandhi's quote, "You must be the change you want to see in the world." I guess I need to do what I want others to do and express what I believe in and why...
1. I believe in small government. I want to live in a world where I can make my own choices, I can suffer natural consequences for my actions, where the taxes I pay go to helping out people in efficient ways and they also pay for my share of the public services I use. Currently, the average cost to educate a child is around $10,000 per student. In a class of 30 students, that is $300,000 a year. A teacher for that class is making about 10% of that. From a business perspective, this seem extremely inefficient and I would prefer to see government funded private schools that were given 1/2 the amount per student and allow companies to walk away with a profit while saving billions of dollars per year. This is one example of many, but the way I understand it, we can be more efficient. The more money we eliminate in government spending, the more money in our pockets. We then can choose to donate to nonprofits that we are passionate about and see the work we love move forward.
2. People working builds a better country. We worry about our current debt problem, as we should, but so many people feel the answer is found in raising taxes for the rich or middle class. I think if everyone in this country that was able, was working, we could decrease the amount we pay out in government benefits, increase tax revenue from people who would then be gainfully employed, and increase the general moral of millions who feel like they are a part of society again. I work with people with intellectual disabilities. Many of them can work, but are discriminated against because of misconceptions that come with their disability. If these guys were given more of a chance to support themselves, we would save millions of dollars more. I also feel that any welfare programs should come with a service or work requirement. If the government is giving money to people who are well deserving, which I know there are many, allow them to give back to schools, churches, or other meaningful groups so they are always motivated by work (when they are able) and so they always feel like they contribute.
How do we get more people jobs in this country? Lets support domestic businesses, small, medium, and large. Let us also support the American Dream, that we can all own a home, be 100% debt free, and have a family that we can comfortably support without associating success with shame.
3. Marriage Equality. I say this humbly and respectfully with love towards all my friends who have different views because of their faith, but it is what I passionately believe. I want the option to be able to fall in love, marry the person of my dreams, and maybe even have kids. I want to live in a world where my kids can go to school and feel normal because they also have 2 parents who love them, that are married, that just happen to be gay.
4. I believe that the power of the individual is always greater than the power of government or regulations. I often will see friends holding up their victim card about how crappy their job is, or how much their rent is. Employers can only treat us as poorly as we allow them to. Landlords can only charge as much as we are willing to pay. Every time we sacrifice something important from our life for another, we give our power to them. If we all were to stand united, we as employees, consumers, and human beings, can influence the world around us. Heck, go watch Newsies if you don't believe me.
5. Anti Abortion, Pro Choice. So, I can't say I like abortion at all. I have friends who have made this choice and it led to tons of heart ache. I am not sure of the moral side of things, but I do know I don't want life to have to stop. I know that adoption often leads to attachment disorders that screw people up and it also causes tons of pain for mothers giving up their child. I also struggle with parents raising children out of obligation when they are not ready rather than out of love. I would love to see people be a little more careful and just wait. I know that life happens and this isn't always able to happen, so that is why I am Pro Choice. Let the mother and father if he is involved make the choice that works for them and they will have to live with for better or worse. It is too hard and complicated for me to get involved with something that will never happen to me, so I will not judge, but rather love and support those with this difficult decision.
6. Right to Bear Arms. I think people should be able to have guns. I want background checks attached to them and for lots of safeguards. Bad people will always be able to find weapons. The more good people that have weapons the safer the world, in my opinion. This is a huge responsibility that should come with tons of training and safety, but so is owning a car. I think if citizens have the right to own guns, it helps prevent government from controlling people but the threat of greater force. People should peacefully control government. I know this sounds a little right wing crazy, but chat with me about it sometime, it makes sense to me. And for the record, I do not own a functioning gun and have never shot one.
7. Foreign Policy. I really don't know the answer here. I think if we get involved in another country's drama we need to make sure there is a clear need for help from people who can not defend themselves (like the jews in the holocaust), we then need to make sure these people want our help, and then when we have helped, we need to step back as quickly as we can in a way that their country can still be successful. I hope we would never occupy a country for oil or personal gain.
8. Energy Independence. I would like to see government offer huge cash rewards to companies who roll out clean energy products that are cost neutral to consumers. I think this would help jump start a market that is free from products that destroy our environment. How great would it be if there were solar electric cars that were the same price as cars that used gas. We would all hop on board.
Okay, please don't destroy me ideas here. I am sure there are some here for people to agree with and disagree with. I am very much not a republican or democrat because I agree too much with things on each side.
I would love for you to leave comments not to argue my ideas, but to share your views and how you got there. This is how I learn and grow.
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