I often times think that I can't live up to people's standards for me.
In one of those moments tonight, I almost uncontrollably asked myself, "Where do these expectations come from." I instantly knew the answer. It's me. I set the expectations for myself that are so high that it is unreal for me to accomplish them. So many cliche statements come to mind. It has always been impossible for me to grasp that people could like me for me. I try so hard to perform well to give people something to like. I also feel that if I want to make a difference in the world I have to work harder, be better, love bigger, and shine brighter. I project on to others who I want to be rather than who I really am and it almost always leaves them disappointed in me. I wonder if I just allowed myself to be, to surrender, to strive to be my best without worry of what onlookers might think, people may have less to be disappointed in.
16, I join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I start off being the most hard core Mormon you could ever ask for on the surface. Inside I was a gay boy who desperately wanted to have a family like I saw on TV. I had real honest faith in the church, but had significant struggles I felt I had to hide. If I had to chose between being friends with a perfect Mormon, or a Mormon who is fighting to understand himself and his dream, I will pick the imperfect one every time. At least that kid is real.
Work, in almost every job I have ever had, I work 70-90 hours per week on a salary being paid for 40 of those hours. Ask anyone and this is not sustainable. When I do this at the beginning of a job, I get a lot more done than the average person. I set the bar of expectations so high, that average or even above average isn't good enough. After around 6-8 months of this, I run out of steam and start performing at average, and then shortly after that, below average. On a scale where 5 is truly average, an employer can handle an employee going from a 6 to a 5, what they can't candle though is going from a 9 to a 4 in a month. A better path might be coming in trying to be the best 5 I can be in 40 hours a week. My greatest skills are in problem solving and ideas. I think that if people had an average employee with above average attributes, they would be grateful.
Friends, I try to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for to everyone. I quickly let people down when that pattern follows the rest.
I think for me, the first step to overcoming a problem is knowing it, befriending it, recognizing the value in it, and then if it were a seemingly never ending dark tunnel, make the long journey through it, being better for experiencing it, and stepping into the light with it behind me. Right now, I am just starting to look this soon to be friend in the eye. It has only been a creepy acquaintance lurking in the corner. Hopefully action will follow and I can be more free in who I am.
*Sometimes my posts seems sad and depressing. Please don't read a post if you are getting that feel ever. Do know that all in all, I am the happiest I have ever been. Even in my dark moments I find myself surrounded by great people and amazing circumstances. My mind truly is my greatest ally and enemy. It goes places so quick and so strong that feel my self losing control. In these moments, I choose to write so that all of that energy has a place to go. I choose to post these crazy thoughts on a blog for all to read to allow people to really know me, who I am, and why I act the way I do.